When daddy's stay

Since having Lilli mine and Sam's life has changed. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, struggles and times of absolute beauty. While I struggled to gain my footing of being a mother, Sam sailed smoothly into his roll as a dad. I could not understand how It was so hard for me, I had been around kids all my life, worked with them, took care of infants in a daycare setting, been told I had a knack for caring for babies, but this baby for lack of a better word was kicking my butt. I was emotionally a wreak, worrying about everything and stressing myself to pieces. Then there was Sam, who had NEVER really been around a baby, and he seemed to have the ''knack for caring for her.'' There were moments like this, that proved she would someday soon be a daddy's girl

I am so glad that Lilli has a great father, and it reminds me of what God has given me.

I know that some dads do not stay. Mine didn't. He missed birthdays, holidays, graduations, and my wedding, and now he has missed the birth of my baby. God gave me Jeff, and I have loved him as my dad, but my heart has always wondered how he could just leave me and never try to contact me. Now that I am a parent I really do not understand how a person can do that.

Sam is an amazing man, he loves me and I know that he would never leave me, or Lilli. How I got such a man is amazing and such a gift from the Lord. I watch him and my heart swells with love and joy. Sam lost his dad 2 years ago to cancer, we went to the grave and Sam said I sure miss him. We talked about all the memories he has with his dad. I know that Lilli will have great memories of her daddy too, while my memories are blurred and scattered. Do not get me wrong I do not hate my father... I forgave him, but I do not have a desire to meet him for I feel complete with the family I may have, mixed up, thrown together wonderful family that I have.

Here is the letter that I wrote Sam for fathers day..shhh do not tell him yet....

Dear Sam

Happy Father's day to the man of my dreams. I do not think you know what father's day means to me now that we have sweet Lilli. My memories of father's mean that they do not stay. they leave when things get tough, they must forget their sweet children, who cry out for them at night. Who whisper why did he leave, was it because of me, was I not good enough, pretty enough, what did I do. A father is someone that gives you life, but does not love you enough to be involved in your life, never reads you stories, sing to you or just hold you.

I did have a dad, and he loved me, but my heart yearned for the one one who was suppose to stay. I was loved fully by Jeff, but how could my little heart understand the reasons that he left and never came back. I know that I never have to feel that way about you and Lilli.

I love it when you sing to her, when you talk to her and she gets that big smile on her face. I love that she looks so much like you, because I love everything about you, even when you snore, because its just a reminder that I have you.

I just want to tell you how great you are. You endured 8 emotional moths of pregnancy, how you made it is such a wonder to me. I cannot recall how many hours you tried to hold me and tell me God was in control as tears fell from my eyes.. I thought I would be less emotional after Lilli came, but no, I am such a worry wart, but you where my constant and I thank you for that.

I love you honey, through whatever may come, through every trial hardship and new babies. Till death do we part.

I know you will never leave, what a gift Lilli has, in a world where more marriages break up then stay together, its a true gift to find a daddy who will stay, who follows after God, and is so patient and kind. I wish every little girl had a daddy like you. I hope we never take you for granted. I praise God every day for our happy home that He has given us.

I love you,

Kristina and Lilli

Our precious baby

Sorry for the break in blogging. Having sweet Lilli has taken all of our time. I have taken care of kids for most of my life, but having my own shocked me to death, that first month I walked around in a fog of emotion. She is doing great and we love her to death. Stay tuned for a post about her daddy.

March 11, 2009

Our precious baby girl arrived into this world on March 11, 2009 at 6.44 am. My water broke at 3.30 am and Sam (who was soundly sleeping, woke up a little confused). I t was the weirdest thing feeling my water break. I felt like I was peeing a river. We got to the hospital, I was scheduled for a c - section on the 13th, so they decieded to do it that morning. I was a little nervous, but it all went well and Sam did awesome. Tammie and Sam's mom made it in record time. I was so glad that she made. Tammie has a calming presence about her that I needed.

The spinal did not even hurt as bad as what others tried to tell me. When they lifted Lilli up to see, the world seemed to stop as I looked at my sweet girl. She was so beautiful. She had such beautiful dark hair and the sweetest face.

I am healing well and it was such a blessing to have Sam home that first week. Lilli is doing good, she does not like to sleep at night, and is not much of an eater(please pray that I won't worry about her and just give it to the Lord). We have been blessed by our families, who have taken great care of us. Lilli is already a blessed little girl. Sam is a great daddy. When I see him with Lilli, it makes me fall so much more in love with him. He is so sweet with her and I can see how much he loves her, He changed her first diapers and sang for her. And that first day home when I was crying)hormones) He took her and let me have time to get myself together. Well Here are some pics of the newest Reagan.

Sam and I this summer, in the airport waiting to go west.

Sam and I on our wedding day

Sam and I when we were dating.

I use to wonder how people “”just new”’ that this person was the ONE.
I use to worry and cry (did I mention I have always be very emotional) That I would never find my one true Love.

I remember in high school having crushes on people, but I knew I never loved them. I remember in college watching friends date and fall in love, but that never happened to me, even though I was looking. At college a guy was allowed to walk a girl to her dorm, and that happened to me once, and yet I knew that it meant nothing really to me.

While at college a girl asked me if I had anyone special in my life, of course I said something funny, so that she did not know how my heart truly hurt because it seemed like I never would. She said you will Kristina and you will just know because he will be exactly what, you need and it will be so sweet. I thought about this everyday.

As college ended and I found myself alone, I realized (with the ‘’gentle urging’’ of my parents) That it was time to move out and start a career. It was a hard year for me. I felt alone and afraid that this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life.

And then it happened (I have to give credit to my parents who helped us out) I got in a car wreak and got a stick shift and my dad got this guy from church to help me learn to drive it) I was nervous and scared out of my mind about this whole process.

It went well, although Sam now says he was scared that I was going to kill him. It flew from there. I remember him calling me after that one night. He said he was in Taco bell and was so nervous, while I was at home pretending I had not just been crying and pleading with God to just let himl ike me. It was literally minutes after that, that my phone rang.

We were inseparable after that. We went on walks together, Just talking, and getting to know each other. It was in the midst of those first few times together that I just new. I loved him from the Start. I remember the first time he told me he loved me, how I felt my heart exploded and I felt truly special.

Sometimes now girls ask me how I knew Sam was the one, and because I did not like others telling me that I just knew, this is what I say. When you find the one person who loves Ggod the most, and when you tell them things you have done that have caused you pain and he just looks at you with love in his eyes and says I am sorry that happened to you. I wish I could change that for you. Then you’ll know.

Do not get me wrong, Sam and I don’t have the perfect relationship, we fight, and have moments where we are needing sometime alone. But there is no one I would rather be married to.
So with our second anniversary coming up, and a baby on the way, I just wanted to write something about my sweet, hardworking, patient, loving Husband. He will be a great daddy. I know this because I witness it every time the kids come over. I love you honey. Your the best, even though you won;t get me cable. lol

I will always be your ''Nina''

This little girl captured my heart completely a little over 5 years ago. Now that I am getting ready to have my own little girl, I can only imagine how I will feel about her.

Over Christmas Vacation, the kids stayed with me, and while I was finishing Lilli's room Rheagan helped me, asking questions, and helping me organize. One day I was talking about Lilli, and her being cousins and Rheagan asked me If I would still love her when Lilli came. I said of course I will love you. No matter who comes along you will always be my Rheagan, and I will always be your Nina. I am so thankful that I have these kids in my life and I get to watch them grow they will be great cousins to Lilli.

Fret Not

I wasen't able to go to church tonight, so I listened to a old sermon written by my father-in-law (DAVID REAGAN.) who passed away in 2007. It really touched my heart and it was exactly what I needed. I encourage you to go to www.learnthebible.com and liten to FRET NOT

I worry alot so this message was so perfect for me. It taked about the four keys to to inner peace
1. Trust
2. Delight In the Lord
3. Commit
4. Rest
Do we trust God, this means that I live a life that says that I want to be pleasing to the Lord.
Do we enjoy being with the Lord. Our we excited about coming to the house of the Lord. This is a struggle to me, because I feel so busy during the week, that I just want a break. The devil tries to get me so caught up in other things, that I just want to stay home. We need to walk in ready for the Word of God, Do we love the Bible. Sometimes we don't read the Bible because we do not have the desire to read it. We are commanded to read the Bible, it is a matter of obedience not just of desire. Some of our desires need to be surrendered to the Lord, and be replaced with the desires we ought to have.
Committing my way unto the Lord. That means give God full control over my life. We do not no the path of any day that our life is going to take. But with God in control, does it really matter? We try to keep it under control, but it is not ours. Realizing that this is the day that the Lord hath made we will rejoice and be glad in it. Just commit it to God. Knowing that God loves us and will take care of us. God has our best interests at heart. We do not need to be insecure, we need to realize what God can do in our lives.
Rest int the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret, God is in control. Do not worry about it, just do what we are suppose to do for the Lord. Just turn it over and rest in the arms of our Saviour. We need to stop doing it for God and so it through God. Without Him we are going to be empty and frustrated because we cannot do it any other way. What we commit to God will be kept, and will never be lost.

SOMEWHERE

This is my Thanksgiving post. I know I am late, but it took sometime to write this, it was emotional this year.

I have so much to be thankful for this year, that I do not know where I should start. Somewhere off of Western Ave. There are 3 precious children that I love so much. They see me as their aunt even though I am not related by blood. In this house is a little girl who captured my heart the moment she was born, she makes me laugh and I think she thinks I am pretty special too. There is a boy, that is All boy, and I really wanted Lilli to be a boy so he could have a friend, but I know he will love her too. He drives me CRAZY sometimes, but his sweet I love yous make me forget. There is a tiny little girl, who is a absolute beauty, and I love to hear her yell my name when she sees me. Her sweet kisses brighten my day. My sister, what can I say, she is a rock to me. I see the strength that she has, all that she has been through and she is still strong and a great mom. I love my brother-in-law too. He is one of the funniest people I know(maybe I don't get out enough) Haha.

Somewhere in Iraq, my brother is defending my freedom and yours; and all those who detest the war too. I think of all the things that we did growing up, and I think wow, he has grown up (and I am not as young as I like to think I am) He has always been honest with me and I love him more that just as a brother, but as one of my closest friend. His wife is pretty awesome too, she is a sweet, strong girl that everyone should want to know.

Somewhere out west. two people, who completely changed my life. Loved me, encouraged me, lifted me up, and helped mold me. I love them more than I will ever be able to express.


Somewhere in Washing ton State, Lives a pastor, that loved me, encouraged me, and married me. If he could only know what he has meant in my life.

Somewhere in Florida( I know she is at the Beach) is a girl, who has been my friend for over ten years. She is the kind of friend, that you never have to catch up with, She has been such a great friend, time and distance could never change that. And she is Single so let me know if your interested. I remember growing up and making plans that we would live together, and a part of me wishes we could of done that.

Some where in Montana lives my mom,one I did not deserve, she raised 3 children and I am forever thankful that she is my mom, the lessons she has taught me, will stay with me forever.

Somewhere ( working on the roof at church because it was leaking) is the man that I married, and without him, I would not be complete. He is exactly what I needed. He would do anything for me, but also knows how to handle me( And those that know me know I need this. lol) I love him and am so excited to see what a great daddy he will be.


And to God, who has blessed me with theses. and my sweet baby girl, I am so thankful.